We Were Made for the Sunshine

Last year at this time we were getting orders for San Diego again.

Initially we were on track for orders to Maryland and some people who really wanted my husband down here worked behind the scenes to make it happen. 

After 11 years in Washington, I'd grown restless by the constant drizzle and gray skies.  Uprooting my family I knew was a risk but I was ready to go.  Have you ever reached that point where you feel you've outgrown every friend group and you just don't fit in anywhere?  The 2016 presidential election took a huge toll on my mental health.  The subsequent 2017 deployment almost destroyed my faith completely, and my depression and anxiety reared its head and ruled my life with intrusive thoughts and paralyzing fear.  In August my dear Aunt Teresa died and that felt like the tipping point. 

In September I decided I needed to talk to someone and did and it helped greatly.  After my husband returned home in late November, we spent the next 3-4 months learning how to be a family again.  Then full steam ahead to Realtors, house listings and packing/cleaning.  We packed out May 21st and left the state of Washington June 11th.
 
Tomorrow marks 4 months since we've moved here and a lot has changed.  It was a tough transition and we've downsized into a house half the size in a cookie cutter neighborhood.  But we've also gained a lot of wonderful things in the process.

My oldest daughter has become a teenager and we are treading the waters carefully and we are all learning how to communicate with each other.  The first year of her teenage-hood was a doozy but I feel like we are on a better path now.  This is a road we've not walked before and it is filled with all sorts of new worries and fears.  At the same time those values we pushed when she was a small child are more now more important than ever.  We have 4, 4, 4 years to prepare this child for complete adulthood.  We want her to be ready for all of the heartbreak and joy this world has to offer. 

Moving down here was a culture shock to our rain-soaked Washington hearts. 
The school schedule in Washington was roughly 8-2:45.  Here it is 9-3:30.  Losing friends, even frenemies was difficult.  Forging new friendships and relationships is even more so.  There are people everywhere here!  It's always hard to find a parking spot and always busy.  However we love being 20 minutes from the big city. 

Within a few months, Ahron was driving a hybrid and I was in a Chevy SUV...which I'm still getting used to!  I miss the mini-van.  We quickly consulted with a solar panel company because we couldn't afford the $500 electric bills.  We are unintentionally eco-friendly although there's nothing wrong with that. 

The stifling summer heat of the southwest seemed to stretch on and on forever.  Our days were spent in the pool with the fans circulating constantly. 

After four months here we are finally starting to get in the groove, although I wish I had more friends! 

Our next phase of life looks busy.  One in therapy, one in drum lessons and one in ballet will be a lot for me to handle.  I will finish my last two classes and be on to student teaching in January with the youngest in full-time daycare.  Oh, my mama heart.  I feel not ready and yet I must move forward.  I'm looking forward to having a professional life again and some of the perks that go with that (hello, second paycheck!) 

My husband has just less than three more years until retirement and we are focused in this season and ready for whatever this California dream has to offer us.  Onward. 
 

When your spouse deploys

One of the hardest thing about a spouse deploying is that not only do you lose your physical connection and all of the wonder and intimacy that comes with having a life partner, but you also lose your emotional connection.

I don't know about others but I'm a very internal person, full of thoughts daily and I miss having Ahron here to share them with.  No matter how asinine or creative, he is there to hear my thoughts and listen to me.  "Hey what if we had this at our pizza place?  You know what song is in my head right now?  I had this weird dream this morning..."

I find myself already longing for those fun conversations, and also the deep conversations, even it just amounts to sleepily saying "I love you," as we fall asleep.

All this to say, I feel incredibly vulnerable because I need someone to have these conversations with, especially after 16 years of marriage.  This is our last deployment, it has to be because I can't lose that anymore.  I know the drill, and with reintegration we will get our connection back but a smidge part of me worries about growing too much separately or just growing apart.

Last week the ship was inport and we were able to Skype twice.  I felt surprised by the rebounding energy our Skype call gave me and it gave me hope and for a quick moment, it gave me my best friend back.  

Deployment 2017

Here we are, fresh at the beginning of our 2017 deployment.  Not going to lie, it's been a long, tiring day. 
We were up at 4:30am to drop Ahron off.  I was surprised by 5am it was already light out.  Yay for impending summer. 
We drove to the base and I chatted about something philosophical I don't recall. Eloise cried.  I think she was pretty tired but she knew what was going on. 
I've been okay since.  I've been teary on and off but I think emotionally I'm in a good enough place.  And I feel strong.  I'm ready to start a new routine. 
Deployment 2017 has officially begun! 

Reflection

The last few weeks have been difficult but I've also been reflecting a lot and I feel that working through those feelings has helped me in some regard.
This was supposed to be a quick underway, but it feels so long.  I don't know if that's because of the winter, dark mornings and nights, lack of sunlight, snowstorm in which we lost power for two days, incessant rain and wind that followed or what.
I just know that every time Ahron leaves, I go into flight or fight mode.  And most of the time I've been flying...avoiding is the easy choice because I don't have to go into that stressful state.  Whether it's parenting, schoolwork, seeing friends, exercise, I've just lost so much motivation.  But the only thing that is going to control my stress levels is exercise.  Exercise is something I typically enjoy but even my depression has taken that away and I'm fighting to keep it at the forefront.  I also feel really discouraged by last year's weight gain.  I have decided that it is a good time in my life to seek therapy or a counselor.  I believe this is the first step in being proactive in taking care of my mental health.  It remains to be seen whether I will start meds or not but I have to do this in order to be a whole, healthy person.  So for right now, it's nice to have hope again.  I simply can't rely on my husband anymore to be whole and happy.  I have to accept that he will not be home for the majority of the year.
All that being said, yesterday I felt like a really bad mom.  Elaine put off her science fair and so I spent the majority of the day/evening helping her piece it together.  This was a big lesson in time management for her (nevermind the whole being annoyed!)  At 8:15 pm, Miles started crying because he wanted to participate in the science fair too.  Now every year we say we are going to do it, but he never brings home the stinking paperwork!  And I wasn't organized so we both dropped the ball on it.  He felt very left out and I felt bad.  He was disappointed and I can't always prevent that.  Maybe experiencing disappointment is a good thing.  We just can't make our children happy all of the time.  Still, after they all went to bed and the house was quiet I just lost it and cried and cried myself to asleep.
Today has been a much better day and I did remind him that I spend plenty of time doing puzzles with just him.
I keep moving forward.  

Still trying to break through

This has been such a hard year in so many ways and I really hope 2017 has good things to offer and I find motivation somewhere, somehow.

My days have been so unproductive, and I've been lacking motivation on all fronts.  I don't want to clean, I don't want to entertain a 2-year old, I don't feel like working out and eating healthy, I don't even want to do my schoolwork.  For all purposes, I can label this a functioning depression.  I do the bare minimum to get by.

Today I start a weight-loss challenge with my siblings and I really hope this will help motivate me to get my health back on track.

I really feel like a big part of this is due to Ahron's current schedule.  Nothing is stable.  He's getting ready to go out again and I find myself trying to emotionally separate in order to preserve myself and build a wall to guard my heart.  The military life is so hard!  We are leaning toward getting out at 20 at this point.  I'm not sure if we would be able to handle another deployment.

I've also been thinking a lot about the fact that we are up for orders in the fall.  It seems like we just got orders to the Nimitz and now here we are again, facing uncertainty about our future.  The only option I have is to let go and let God take control over this.

Surviving

So it's November 30th.  One day away from December 2016.  I can't even remember the last time I wrote here but my life is ever flowing, fast current.  Sometimes I ride the current, sometimes I fight the current and all of the changes it brings.
Lately I feel as if I am adding to my wrinkles and gray hairs faster than ever before.  Life is just plain hard!  Ahron's ship got underway October 5th, on our anniversary of all days.  They arrived home November 4th, and they were back underway as of November 13th.  So we got to see him for a little bit, and then he was gone.  Since then I feel I've mostly been coping.  I'm having a hard time getting organized both in my brain and my house.  My mothering skills suck and I feel like I'm failing all of the time.  I had two friends pass away this year...my age friends.  That was hard.  Remodeling this house was hard.  Being without Ahron is hard.  School is hard!
Thankfully the holidays are upon us!  I feel like someone decided the winter totally sucked and invented Christmas.  Maybe they had SADD or something?  However it came about I'm excited for Christmas.  My favorite part of it is just experiencing it through the eyes of my children.  They get so excited every day when our elf moves.  We drove through snow last week on Snoqualmie and they wanted to get out and play.  They are loving the Christmas lights and decorations that are popping up around the city.  I'm blasting Christmas music in the car and at home.  Just trying to make it through.
This whole deployment has given us a lot thought as to what will come next in our lives.  Ahron has 16.5 years in the Navy at this point.  So his career will likely end at 20//21 years and he will move on from there.  We are ready for stability and normalcy.

Veterans Day: Reflecting on my time in the Navy. f

Tomorrow we commemorate Veterans Day in our great nation and it always makes me reflect on my time in the service.

I thought I'd answer a couple of questions, an "FAQ," of sorts about my time in the service.  Yes I'm interviewing myself, haha.  But these are all questions I've been asked over the years.

When did you join the Navy and why?
I officially joined the Navy's DEP program in December of 1999.  It was my senior year in high school and I had no idea what I wanted to do with my life.  My friends at the time had all begun to set their sights on colleges, applying for loans and various schools.  This was a very frightening concept for me.  No one in my immediate family had ever been to college, especially away from home.  My cousin Monica at the time had just made the decision to join the Navy.  She's actually six years older than me and called to tell me a little bit about the military.  When the recruiter called me and said if I joined I could travel and get money to go to college, I was sold.  I left for basic training in September 2000.  I was terrified and I had no idea what I was getting myself into.  My grandfather and uncle had both served in the army, but no one else in my family had ever been in the military.

How long were you in the military?
I was in the Navy from September 2000-September 2005.

Where were you stationed?
After basic training in Great Lakes, Illinois I was sent to my "A" school training in Fort Meade, Maryland.  Most people know that's where I met Ahron.  "A" school trains you for what you will do out in the fleet.  I took two courses at the Defense Information School, basic journalism and basic broadcasting.  Each course was around three months long with a three month break in the middle.  During that time I visited Washington D.C, Baltimore and Annapolis frequently.  It was the first time I began to realize how big the world really was.

My first set of orders came at the end of school.  Putting my faith fully and completely in God's hands, I chose to quote a bible verse on my dream sheet.  My detailer (the person who assigns you orders) decided to send me to the USS Frank Cable (AS 40) on the tiny island of Guam.

USS Frank Cable (AS 40) September 2001-November 2003.
This is where the majority of my Navy career happened.  Aboard this little sub tender ship in Guam.  I arrived to the ship just a week and a half after September 11, 2001.  Again, I was terrified.  Everything about that time in the world was scary.  We had no idea if we were going to war or not.  When I arrived to the ship, there was high security everywhere.  All of the hatches were shut and we had to access our living areas by scuttle.  Note: The images below are linked, they are not my images.

We were made to wear hard helmets and heavy bulletproof vests.  But as the serious terrorism threat waned, the ship returned to a lesser alert status.  My first six months in Guam were spent living on the ship.  My former classmates in college dorms had nothing on a navy rack.  See picture on right, this is all of the drawer space you have under a thin mattress.  Racks are stacked three high.

One of the cool things in Guam is that there were these little duplex type houses that weren't fit for families anymore, and so after six months us young sailors were able to move into the houses.  During the years I was onboard the Frank Cable, the ship was very active.  We sailed to Saipan (a neighboring island), Japan  (Yokosuka and Sasebo and I visited Tokyo, Atsugi and Nagasaki) Hong Kong, Queensland, Australia and South Korea (sadly I missed that trip because I went home to get married to Ahron for two weeks.  I learned so much being on a Navy ship.  When I look back now, one of the things I realize in retrospect is just how important it is to learn many things onboard, not just your job.  Everybody has to know basic firefighting, ship damage control and first aid/survival skills.  These are imperative to being a sailor.  Of course I hated learning these things at the time but they made me much more knowledgeable.

Toward the end of my career, I didn't care where I was stationed, I just wanted to be able to be with my husband.  So my detailer called in early 2003 with news.   I was getting new orders and would transfer in November.  So my next set of orders took me to a Navy Reserve Readiness Command in San Diego.

NAVRESREDCOM, San Diego (November 2003-September 2005)
I finished out my career in San Diego. Once Ahron and I moved in together I felt peaceful.  I loved the excitement of the ship and the camaraderie it brought, but I was ready to settle down.  Looking back, I was so young, I was only 21.  Who settles down at 21?  Apparently I do.
Work at the reserve command was so different from the ship.  Most days I did simple things around the office like keeping up with paperwork, scanning documents, taking award photos and networking with other public affairs personnel at other reserve commands.  There I also published a small work newsletter.

Why did you get out?
Ahron and I had only been living together for six months when I became pregnant with our daughter Elaine Joy.  As the time neared for me to make a decision about reenlistment, I had to consider that staying in the Navy would make us a dual service couple.  And since we were on the same rotation of sea duty/shore duty, in the future we may be deployed at the same time. The war overseas was just beginning to heat up and navy personnel were being sent to fight on the ground.  After Ahron and I talked it over, we decided it would be best for me to finish up my enlistment and I would stay home and go to school while he would continue the Navy life.

To this day, people will still ask me if I'm in the navy.  It's been just over 10 years since I've been honorably discharged.  I've now been out of the military twice as long as I was in.  Serving my nation in that way was one of the must honored, humbling experiences in my life.  Though I never saw the horrors of war (and believe me I consider myself very lucky) I can still say wholeheartedly, it was an honor to serve.
Thank you to all the men and women who we remember on this great day.

Had a minute

I have a minute while my little Eloise is sleeping so I thought I'd update on where we are now in this busy season of life.

It is nearly November 2015.  My baby girl is about to turn ONE!  It's been such a crazy year filled with so many ups and downs.  As usual, God has taken my expectations and turned them upside down in parenting.

What I expect is never the reality.  Expectations ruin everything and set us up for disappointment.  God has blessed me with a curious, strong-willed baby girl.  Yet she isn't super independent like Elaine or passive like Miles.  She is all her own person.  Sweet, smart, joyful.  She's also very demanding and clingy, and doesn't like to sleep much.  I worked hard and sacrificed like never before through nursing and little sleep with this one.  She has within a doubt been my hardest baby, but I hope that means that God will bear great fruits in her and through her life.

Lately, when I look around my house and the state that my house has been in for the last, oh, year of my life, I think of that old saying that your house reflects the current state of your mind.  Well, that would certainly be accurate in my life at the moment, for it is always a cluttered mess!  I can only give myself grace and remind myself that organization and cleanliness will come again someday.  These are probably silly things that shouldn't give me stress but I am prone to such self-consciousness.

Ahron is settling into the ship routine now.  He's already been onboard for four months.  It's been tough for us as a family.  And he hasn't even deployed yet.  I miss drinking coffee with him in the morning.  He's doing a great job keeping up as a father and a husband and I appreciate his efforts.  The problem with sea duty is that it consumes the sailor.  It becomes incredibly difficult to find work/life balance.

Some exciting things  lie on the horizon for us though.  We are anticipating putting our house on the market in spring.  We have outgrown our first little home.  We need just a little more space to spread out a bit.  In all honesty, I'm kind of nervous for this.  There's something comforting about fitting the wholeness of my family into 1300 square feet.  I don't want to lessen connection with my children, or have them swallowed up in massive square footage.  I don't want more space to clean, or more money to throw at the bank.  So with that in mind we don't want something that much bigger.  Just a little more space to share with our little miracle surprise oopsie baby.

As for myself, I will embark in a new school journey here very shortly.  Teaching at the preschool and teaching parents with the Ready! For Kindergarten program awakened my soul to what I believe is my true calling.  A teacher, a mentor, a counsel and guider, a nurturer, a grower, a mother's heart I hope to instill to many children as my teachers have done for me.  The short plan is to finish my degree in 22 months, so that my GI Bill will cover the cost.  I am so excited to undertake this journey.  God grant me serenity now.

So that is the short of it!  I'm hoping to be able to update this blog more regularly.  I love having a space to throw out into the vastness of the web.  I wish I was an interesting and cool hip mommy blogger sometimes, but this is who I am.  My older daughter is encouraging me to start a vlog too, so we shall see.

Happy birthday, Miles!

Miles Ahron Jameson is EIGHT years old today!

I can hardly believe eight years have passed since I first glanced into the face of my baby boy.  

I always, always have known that I was meant to be a mama to a little boy.  I always knew that he would be unique.  And he is!  God had a plan for this little boy to be in our lives.  He knew Ahron and I could meet the unique needs of this little individual.

I couldn't have known when he was a busy toddler what a roller coaster our lives would soon become.   A speech delay turned into a speech delay and motor skills delay and then, cognitive delays. That was really hard to face.  

Because Ahron and I always knew there was something incredibly sweet and unique about this kid.

An autism diagnosis.  An un-diagnosis.  Miles doesn't fit into any box.  His preschool teacher once described him as an enigma.  That he is!  He is as puzzling as the Rubik's cube he is often fiddling with.  He is sharp as the creases he forms in his beloved origami.  He is loved, he is whole.  He is ours.

Watching him grow thus far has been joyous and sometimes scary.  He's a daredevil and he loves to take risks.  He's incredibly determined.  He taught himself, all on his own, how to ride a bike.   He watched Youtube videos to figure out how to tie shoes in a different way that only takes him "one second."  He's really proud of himself when he accomplishes new things!

Miles is funny and very mischievous.  He likes pranks.  He likes glitches and when things are not normal.  This morning he told me that he is a glitch.  I think he knows he's not "normal."  I think he kind of likes that.

Thank you Miles for being our son.  I hope you grow up and prove all the unbelievers wrong.  We love you all the way to the moon and the sun and stars and all the way back. Happy birthday buddy!

Our new normal

So here I am, single parenting, alone again for the next few months.

Ahron left early on Saturday morning.  Lainie cried on the short drive home, although I think it was the result of just being really tired.  Miles seemed to accept it more, they are so much like us sometimes!

The weekend was gray and drizzly and rainy and none of us felt much like doing anything but just puttering around, trying to pretend like Daddy is away for a short time.

My days are very, very long now and I anticipate them being that way as long as Eloise is a high-needs baby.  She is unfortunately going through a phase where she doesn't want to be around anyone but me and that's making it difficult to do simple things like take a shower, or get chores done around the house.  I've told a few people this but sometimes I miss my old life, and I feel like I've taken a huge step back in having a baby.  The spacing wasn't ideal between Miles and Eloise.  And she was a surprise so it wasn't intentional.

But it is what it is and it will get better.  I'm choosing to look at the glass half full!  She's stinking adorable and Miles and Lainie just adore her, it's so fun to see them interacting with her.  Well, onward and upward to Day 4.  

Moments

DISCLAIMER: This blog was written shortly after or during my miscarriages in 2013.

Moments of sadness and happiness.  Life goes so fast, I can't keep up with all.
If I close my eyes I can forget about it for a few moments.  I can slip into a consciousness where I can control my emotions.  Or maybe I just get lost in it.
At the risk of feeling like a Judy Blume character I call, "Are you there God? It's me, Jamie."
Is He there? Is HE really there? I pray it's so.  I pray he's there and my baby is there.  I pray for forgiveness and for hope.  I pray someday I will understand it all.

February 2015 UPDATE!!!

WOW!

I can't believe I haven't updated this blog in almost two years.  I figure now is a great time to refresh and renew it.  We are getting ready to take the monumental leap back into sea duty.  Sea duty is challenging, scary, rewarding, fulfilling.  It is the heart of the Navy.  At sea, you become a leader and you are constantly in motion.  At sea, you find yourself between the sapphire waves and endless golden sunsets.  You realize how small you are in this big, lovely world.

I miss being in the Navy some days.  I am excited for my husband, and scared for myself.   In May he will be checking into yet another aircraft carrier, the U.S.S. Nimitz (CVN 68).  The Nimitz means something to both of us.  It was my first TAD (temporary assigned duty) command.  It was his first command.  He was stationed on the USS Nimitz right out of his "A" school in 2001 until 2004 shortly before we had our first child.

The road to these new orders were interesting.  As we pondered and prayed over where we would be going next, we found these orders to be semi-available but our little Miles kept us in the running for this particular billet.  Because of his developmental delays, we are considered an "EFMP" family.  That means that we only can be stationed stateside and within five major cities.  Seattle area, Norfolk, San Diego, Jacksonville and Washington D.C.  It limits his ability to be stationed elsewhere but allows Miles access to a lot of different hospitals and therapies.  So although I was ready to flee from the gray, rainy days of Western Washington, Ahron snatched up these orders right away.

So now we are just a few short weeks away to being back to sea.  Three years on shore duty has brought us many experiences we never wanted or intended to have.  Two miscarriages.  Lots of family time....a vasectomy.  A very unexpected pregnancy. A new job and career path for me. Joy, laughter, sorrow, sadness, LIFE.

I am looking forward to what the next chapter will bring.  

The move before the move

Even though we're still about one year out from receiving new orders, my mind is already in "move" mode.  I think that's generally a healthy state of mind for a military wife.

I happen to love the thrill of the idea of receiving new orders, but I admit after six years in Washington and five years in Port Orchard, the idea of moving is a bit daunting.

Our last major move was from San Diego to Washington, we had two kids and a two bedroom apartment.  Now we have our two kids, two dogs and a house...with a garage.  Full of lawn junk and tools and storage and Christmas decorations.  In San Diego I think we had two bins of Christmas decorations.  Now we have about ten.  Needless to say next year we will be having a huge moving sale.

We don't have a lot of "stuff" and for good reason.  Knowing that we have to pick up and move every three or so years means living light.  Sometimes I don't feel like I'm doing as good as I could with that.

Despite all that murky mind-boggling thoughts that come with a move, there are so many things I'm going to miss about Port Orchard.  We live less than a mile from the inlet, where gorgeous views and the sea air are the norm.  I can find peace there.  It makes you feel so small and still and loved all at the same time.  The beauty radiating from the scenery here is astounding.  To see the water, framed by the evergreens, framed by the mountains and finally the blue sky.  It's a picture that will forever be stamped in my mind.

The community here is amazing.  People are nice here.  That's one of the things I've always loved about Port Orchard.   People open doors here for others.  They let the person trying to turn out into the main road go first with a smile.  There are so many festivals and community events you can't possibly attend them all.  Of course our little town isn't perfect.  There are plenty of bad apples and some crime and I'm sure problems in the city politics.

The other day I asked my daughter what her hometown was, and she said Port Orchard.  She was almost four when we moved here and she'll turn ten here.  It is truly her childhood home.
I'm looking forward to our future and new adventures but I'll miss this special little town.  Just like San Diego, it is now a piece of our story puzzle.  

Sara Groves for my spirit

The darkness got darker.
In the midst of my darkness God brought to me some light in the form of my favorite music artist, Sara Groves.
There's not enough I can say about her music and ministry and how it's changed me over the years and meant so much to my small life.
I found out through Facebook that she would be performing at a church about 30 minutes away from here.  I've been wanting to see her live since 2006.  I became a fan after her song "Come Be Who You Are" was featured on a City on a Hill CD.
That song is here
https://myspace.com/saragroves/music/song/come-be-who-you-are-28571030

Anyway, I got there early and got to sit in the front row.  The church was raising money for a camp for foster care kids which I was happy to contribute too.  I met a nice lady and we chatted, we were both big fans.

I'm so thankful for this treat in the middle of everything I've been feeling.  Just like the opening line says, "In the middle of the way I am, come be who You are."
Thank you God for loving me in my darkness and brokenness.  

31

Life moves so fast, doesn't it?

This weekend I turned 31.  We traveled to Yakima for the long weekend, it's been too long since we've been home.

We traveled over Saturday morning and witnessed a scary car accident happen right in front of us.  There were two cars in the left lane (ours and another guy in front of us) and a SUV with a camper and semi in the right line, slightly ahead of us.  The SUV with a camper tried to get over and somebody sideswiped somebody.

I was looking down at my phone when Ahron said "Uh-oh."  I looked up to see the camper fishtailing and I knew we were about to witness an accident.  The SUV and camper flipped.  The SUV rolled once and landed upright on the side of the road.  The camper landed on its side in front of the SUV.  The semi was able to pull off safely.

We slowed way down and pulled over.  Thankfully I could see both occupants of the SUV moving and they got out of their car.  Ahron got out to check on them and make sure there were no injuries.  Miraculously they landed upright and they were definitely shaken but it didn't seem anyone was hurt.  Another car had stopped to help as well and we decided to go ahead and go since everyone was okay.

I've never witnessed an accident like that and I'm just so grateful as it could have been so much worse.

Saturday night we celebrated out at Bob's Burger & Brew and went home to have cake.

Sunday we decided to BBQ so my mom and I shopped for that and got a little Kohl's time in as well so I could buy her Mother's Day gift.

Overall it was a really fun weekend spent with the family.  I have to say though it was so wonderful to crawl into my own bed last night and be safe and sound at home.

31 is going to be an amazing year!

A Low-Key Kind of Mother's Day

Yesterday was Mother's Day and it was so nice to be celebrated and loved by my children and husband.

We kept it low-key and had a great day.  Ahron took care of all of the cleaning and cooking for the day (really, what better gift could you get from your spouse?).  Lainie made me a bookmark and a coupon book at school.  Miles made me a flower vase.

Last minute I decided to head up to the Kitsap Antique Fair in Bremerton and just check out the scene up there, so I did get a few hours to myself.  Later in the afternoon, Miles and Lainie practiced riding their bikes.

They both can ride with no training wheels now!  I was commenting to Ahron how it took Lainie so long to be able to do it.  She's extremely cautious and waits until she has no fear.  It really took her two years to achieve this.  I remember trying to teach her a few years ago how to ride her bike but she fell a couple of times and that upset her.  When we pumped her bike tires this year she just hopped on it a couple of weeks ago and was riding like it was no big deal.

Miles, seeing his sister's success, asked to take his training wheels off.  My big boy just turned six and was absolutely determined to ride without training wheels.  He ended up spending a few hours on Saturday in the back yard trying to get the hang of it.  Sunday morning he was riding around the back yard unassisted!

Learning to ride a bike is one of those essential childhood skills you just have to have.  I remember loving my bikes and the tiny bit of freedom they brought.

In the evening after we ate dinner Lainie insisted on giving me a pedicure.  She is so sweet when she wants to be.  All in all, it was a fabulous day.  I'm so blessed.   Next big happening in our family, my 31st birthday is coming up and we're spending Memorial Day weekend in Yakima!  I can't wait to be home for the weekend.  

You know you're a navy family when...

You don't ground your children.  They go on restriction.  

My broken heart

Philemon 1:12 ESV
I am sending him back to you, sending my very heart.

I need a moment to get this all out. 

Two weeks ago tomorrow (Sunday) my baby died.  I never got to meet him/her.  Maybe you couldn't even consider it a baby.  It hadn't even reached the fetus stage, but it probably did develop a heartbeat.  I was 7.5 weeks pregnant. 

I found out sadly, on my dear husband's birthday, April 3rd, 2013. 

I have never experienced a miscarriage before, and I spent the first day and a half honestly in shock that my body could betray me like that.  I felt very angry with God for allowing this to happen. 

Let me start from the beginning.

I spent a lot of time last year contemplating whether we should add to our family.  After Miles came along, I never felt as if we were done having children.  Ahron made it clear that he felt our family was complete.  But after five years and my IUD came out, I convinced him that maybe we could try just once.  And it didn't happen.  And I was okay with that.  Fast forward a few weeks to the end of February 2013 and I found myself unexpectedly pregnant.  The test showed a very dark positive.  I was stunned and scared because I knew this would change our life in some ways.  We'd have to get a bigger car.  Possibly a bigger house in the future.  Three children meant we were outnumbered as parents. 

After we came down from the initial shock that I was pregnant, despite trying to prevent it, we began to accept the idea.  My daughter came up with some names (terrible names I might add, but the idea was really sweet).  We started to picture our lives with three kids.  Maybe this is what God had planned all along.  It must be if I got pregnant unexpectedly. 

At six weeks along, March 13th, I had my first prenatal information class and scheduled my first appointment which would include a dating ultrasound.  I was beginning to get excited at that point.  But my lack of symptoms from the beginning has me slightly puzzled.  People say every pregnancy is different, but I wasn't feeling a lot of morning sickness and my breasts were not very sore which was very different from my first two pregnancies.  I told the nurse that at the info appointment but she said nothing. 

On my husband's birthday (last Wednesday) he took the day off so we could celebrate and also so we could attend the appointment together.  I stepped on the scale and noticed I had lost a pound, which was not unusual from my previous pregnancies.  "Good," I thought to myself upon seeing the number on the scale.  A little more wiggle room for since I am just barely over the healthy BMI. 

The corpsman led us into the little room and I couldn't help feeling that we were going to our doom.  I mentioned that jokingly to Ahron.  The nurse and I talked for a bit about how I was feeling and discussed a couple more do's and dont's of pregnancy.  I faithfully filled out my purple book, the manual to pregnancy you get as a mil spouse. 

Then, the ultrasound.  She turned the screen toward me and I asked if my husband could film it.  He readied his iPhone.  But the uterus image showed absolutely nothing.  Empty.  Void of any life form.  At 8 weeks and 6 days we should have seen a clear baby.  A heart thumping strongly.  I knew right away.  The nurse said, "I'm not seeing what I'm supposed to be seeing."  She called for the doctor.  The doctor came in, took measurements of the yolk sac, which was there but barely visible.  He said I would miscarry.  I looked at Ahron and Ahron looked at me.  Our sadness and shock was apparent. 

After that I was told I would need to go the laboratory to draw my blood level for HCG.  HCG is the hormone that is present in pregnancy.  The levels rise consistently until about the 10 week mark.  If it was still rising, it might have been possible that I was earlier along than I thought.  If they were declining it was almost certain confirmation that the pregnancy was ending. 

I went home and called my mom and told her the news.  Thank goodness it was spring break.  I didn't have to go anywhere or see anyone.  We picked up our kids and told them unfortunately we didn't see a baby.  They didn't seem to traumatized or worried which comforted me. 

Yesterday was Friday and I was to return to the Navy hospital for another blood draw.  They drew my blood.  I prayed for a miracle. 

Our miracle was not to be.  My levels dropped by 2,000.  The doctor went over my options to deal with this.  I asked about another ultrasound and he did a quick one to show me.  Still nothing there.  The yolk sac indicated our baby stopped growing at 7 weeks and 4 days, and that my body had already started to reabsorb it.  I chose to go home and let nature take its course.  I'm still waiting for that to happen.  If it doesn't happen by Monday I will ask to schedule a surgery for the doctor to take care of it. 

At this point, even though I've accepted it, I am still very sad.  It brings me many emotions.  I feel angry, incapable, guilty.  I feel like maybe we didn't want it bad enough.  I know these feelings are illogical but emotions sometimes don't subscribe to logic. 

So now, I wait, scared by what might happen today or tomorrow.  My heart is broken but I will never forget my little baby who only lived inside me for such a short time.  I really hope that I get to see it  someday in Heaven. 

We will be okay though.  We will move forward in strength.  We will heal from this, but we will never forget it.  I don't know if another baby will ever join our family, because it was so unexpected in the first place.  But still above everything else, God is good and present and with us always. 

Seasons and Parenting

It has been getting a bit colder in our corner of the world.  Right now the sun is shining through my window and it's the first I've seen in weeks.  The warmth feels comforting coming from a natural source.  It seems every time I run the heaters one of us gets sniffly.  I'm just trying to keep us all healthy for the upcoming holidays.

Why do holidays have to be so stressful? Well for us they usually always involve some sort of travel.  Whether it's packing up and taking the plane to Missouri, or driving 3.5 hour drive over the mountains to get home to Yakima, there's always some sort of travel involved.  You know that old saying, it's about the journey, not the destination.  Yeah, not so much with traveling.  I'm not a fan of gas prices, plane prices, food on the road, rude, rude, rude people and someone always gets miserably sick. 

Second, there's the cost involved of all this.  Not just traveling but you're buying gifts for everyone which depletes the bank account, tape, cards, wrapping paper, baked goods, the list goes on and on.

 I tend to go internal a lot during the stress of the holidays which helps me cope.  I listen to a lot of calming music in the car.  As corny as it sounds being crafty actually takes away some of my stress too. 

Things at our homefront have been relatively quiet the last few months.  I'm down four pounds because I'm just busy.  My schedule has changed quite a bit and for the most part I'm enjoying it.  I love the kids I get to watch during the week.  It's great to have the kids in school now and I'm happy they both enjoy it. 

Miles recently saw a new doctor who wants to get a closer look at his diagnosis since it was made very quickly back in June.  This doctor was wonderful.  He had so much more compassion for everything that's happened to us and will work with a team to make sure Miles is correctly diagnosed.  Miles seems to be taking it all in stride.  He is now working with the regular class for an additional 30 minutes (with his aide) and I'm really proud of all his hard work.  We expect so much of our little ones and when they rise to the occasion, the heart swells with pride.  Still a bumpy path, but at least we have clearer direction. 

And Lainie, my little Lainie.  She just lost her eighth tooth and she's as sassy and sweet as ever.  I love being her mama.  I love that we share our love of reading and that we're both overly sensitive. 

Parenting these two children has ups and downs but isn't that the best part of it?  I love being challenged to be better, and that's because of them. 

Happy Thanksgiving and may your tryptophan coma be peaceful :)

Christmas music

It's on in the house and I love it!  I made my first batch of cinnamon rolls and it definitely feels like late fall around here :)

Just for fun, my top 5 favorite Christmas albums
1. Sara Groves O Holy Night
2. Sarah Mclachlan Wintersong
3. Martina McBride White Christmas
4. Bebo Norman Christmas from the Realms of Glory
5. The Preacher's Wife Soundtrack