The move before the move

Even though we're still about one year out from receiving new orders, my mind is already in "move" mode.  I think that's generally a healthy state of mind for a military wife.

I happen to love the thrill of the idea of receiving new orders, but I admit after six years in Washington and five years in Port Orchard, the idea of moving is a bit daunting.

Our last major move was from San Diego to Washington, we had two kids and a two bedroom apartment.  Now we have our two kids, two dogs and a house...with a garage.  Full of lawn junk and tools and storage and Christmas decorations.  In San Diego I think we had two bins of Christmas decorations.  Now we have about ten.  Needless to say next year we will be having a huge moving sale.

We don't have a lot of "stuff" and for good reason.  Knowing that we have to pick up and move every three or so years means living light.  Sometimes I don't feel like I'm doing as good as I could with that.

Despite all that murky mind-boggling thoughts that come with a move, there are so many things I'm going to miss about Port Orchard.  We live less than a mile from the inlet, where gorgeous views and the sea air are the norm.  I can find peace there.  It makes you feel so small and still and loved all at the same time.  The beauty radiating from the scenery here is astounding.  To see the water, framed by the evergreens, framed by the mountains and finally the blue sky.  It's a picture that will forever be stamped in my mind.

The community here is amazing.  People are nice here.  That's one of the things I've always loved about Port Orchard.   People open doors here for others.  They let the person trying to turn out into the main road go first with a smile.  There are so many festivals and community events you can't possibly attend them all.  Of course our little town isn't perfect.  There are plenty of bad apples and some crime and I'm sure problems in the city politics.

The other day I asked my daughter what her hometown was, and she said Port Orchard.  She was almost four when we moved here and she'll turn ten here.  It is truly her childhood home.
I'm looking forward to our future and new adventures but I'll miss this special little town.  Just like San Diego, it is now a piece of our story puzzle.  

Sara Groves for my spirit

The darkness got darker.
In the midst of my darkness God brought to me some light in the form of my favorite music artist, Sara Groves.
There's not enough I can say about her music and ministry and how it's changed me over the years and meant so much to my small life.
I found out through Facebook that she would be performing at a church about 30 minutes away from here.  I've been wanting to see her live since 2006.  I became a fan after her song "Come Be Who You Are" was featured on a City on a Hill CD.
That song is here
https://myspace.com/saragroves/music/song/come-be-who-you-are-28571030

Anyway, I got there early and got to sit in the front row.  The church was raising money for a camp for foster care kids which I was happy to contribute too.  I met a nice lady and we chatted, we were both big fans.

I'm so thankful for this treat in the middle of everything I've been feeling.  Just like the opening line says, "In the middle of the way I am, come be who You are."
Thank you God for loving me in my darkness and brokenness.  

31

Life moves so fast, doesn't it?

This weekend I turned 31.  We traveled to Yakima for the long weekend, it's been too long since we've been home.

We traveled over Saturday morning and witnessed a scary car accident happen right in front of us.  There were two cars in the left lane (ours and another guy in front of us) and a SUV with a camper and semi in the right line, slightly ahead of us.  The SUV with a camper tried to get over and somebody sideswiped somebody.

I was looking down at my phone when Ahron said "Uh-oh."  I looked up to see the camper fishtailing and I knew we were about to witness an accident.  The SUV and camper flipped.  The SUV rolled once and landed upright on the side of the road.  The camper landed on its side in front of the SUV.  The semi was able to pull off safely.

We slowed way down and pulled over.  Thankfully I could see both occupants of the SUV moving and they got out of their car.  Ahron got out to check on them and make sure there were no injuries.  Miraculously they landed upright and they were definitely shaken but it didn't seem anyone was hurt.  Another car had stopped to help as well and we decided to go ahead and go since everyone was okay.

I've never witnessed an accident like that and I'm just so grateful as it could have been so much worse.

Saturday night we celebrated out at Bob's Burger & Brew and went home to have cake.

Sunday we decided to BBQ so my mom and I shopped for that and got a little Kohl's time in as well so I could buy her Mother's Day gift.

Overall it was a really fun weekend spent with the family.  I have to say though it was so wonderful to crawl into my own bed last night and be safe and sound at home.

31 is going to be an amazing year!

A Low-Key Kind of Mother's Day

Yesterday was Mother's Day and it was so nice to be celebrated and loved by my children and husband.

We kept it low-key and had a great day.  Ahron took care of all of the cleaning and cooking for the day (really, what better gift could you get from your spouse?).  Lainie made me a bookmark and a coupon book at school.  Miles made me a flower vase.

Last minute I decided to head up to the Kitsap Antique Fair in Bremerton and just check out the scene up there, so I did get a few hours to myself.  Later in the afternoon, Miles and Lainie practiced riding their bikes.

They both can ride with no training wheels now!  I was commenting to Ahron how it took Lainie so long to be able to do it.  She's extremely cautious and waits until she has no fear.  It really took her two years to achieve this.  I remember trying to teach her a few years ago how to ride her bike but she fell a couple of times and that upset her.  When we pumped her bike tires this year she just hopped on it a couple of weeks ago and was riding like it was no big deal.

Miles, seeing his sister's success, asked to take his training wheels off.  My big boy just turned six and was absolutely determined to ride without training wheels.  He ended up spending a few hours on Saturday in the back yard trying to get the hang of it.  Sunday morning he was riding around the back yard unassisted!

Learning to ride a bike is one of those essential childhood skills you just have to have.  I remember loving my bikes and the tiny bit of freedom they brought.

In the evening after we ate dinner Lainie insisted on giving me a pedicure.  She is so sweet when she wants to be.  All in all, it was a fabulous day.  I'm so blessed.   Next big happening in our family, my 31st birthday is coming up and we're spending Memorial Day weekend in Yakima!  I can't wait to be home for the weekend.  

You know you're a navy family when...

You don't ground your children.  They go on restriction.  

My broken heart

Philemon 1:12 ESV
I am sending him back to you, sending my very heart.

I need a moment to get this all out. 

Two weeks ago tomorrow (Sunday) my baby died.  I never got to meet him/her.  Maybe you couldn't even consider it a baby.  It hadn't even reached the fetus stage, but it probably did develop a heartbeat.  I was 7.5 weeks pregnant. 

I found out sadly, on my dear husband's birthday, April 3rd, 2013. 

I have never experienced a miscarriage before, and I spent the first day and a half honestly in shock that my body could betray me like that.  I felt very angry with God for allowing this to happen. 

Let me start from the beginning.

I spent a lot of time last year contemplating whether we should add to our family.  After Miles came along, I never felt as if we were done having children.  Ahron made it clear that he felt our family was complete.  But after five years and my IUD came out, I convinced him that maybe we could try just once.  And it didn't happen.  And I was okay with that.  Fast forward a few weeks to the end of February 2013 and I found myself unexpectedly pregnant.  The test showed a very dark positive.  I was stunned and scared because I knew this would change our life in some ways.  We'd have to get a bigger car.  Possibly a bigger house in the future.  Three children meant we were outnumbered as parents. 

After we came down from the initial shock that I was pregnant, despite trying to prevent it, we began to accept the idea.  My daughter came up with some names (terrible names I might add, but the idea was really sweet).  We started to picture our lives with three kids.  Maybe this is what God had planned all along.  It must be if I got pregnant unexpectedly. 

At six weeks along, March 13th, I had my first prenatal information class and scheduled my first appointment which would include a dating ultrasound.  I was beginning to get excited at that point.  But my lack of symptoms from the beginning has me slightly puzzled.  People say every pregnancy is different, but I wasn't feeling a lot of morning sickness and my breasts were not very sore which was very different from my first two pregnancies.  I told the nurse that at the info appointment but she said nothing. 

On my husband's birthday (last Wednesday) he took the day off so we could celebrate and also so we could attend the appointment together.  I stepped on the scale and noticed I had lost a pound, which was not unusual from my previous pregnancies.  "Good," I thought to myself upon seeing the number on the scale.  A little more wiggle room for since I am just barely over the healthy BMI. 

The corpsman led us into the little room and I couldn't help feeling that we were going to our doom.  I mentioned that jokingly to Ahron.  The nurse and I talked for a bit about how I was feeling and discussed a couple more do's and dont's of pregnancy.  I faithfully filled out my purple book, the manual to pregnancy you get as a mil spouse. 

Then, the ultrasound.  She turned the screen toward me and I asked if my husband could film it.  He readied his iPhone.  But the uterus image showed absolutely nothing.  Empty.  Void of any life form.  At 8 weeks and 6 days we should have seen a clear baby.  A heart thumping strongly.  I knew right away.  The nurse said, "I'm not seeing what I'm supposed to be seeing."  She called for the doctor.  The doctor came in, took measurements of the yolk sac, which was there but barely visible.  He said I would miscarry.  I looked at Ahron and Ahron looked at me.  Our sadness and shock was apparent. 

After that I was told I would need to go the laboratory to draw my blood level for HCG.  HCG is the hormone that is present in pregnancy.  The levels rise consistently until about the 10 week mark.  If it was still rising, it might have been possible that I was earlier along than I thought.  If they were declining it was almost certain confirmation that the pregnancy was ending. 

I went home and called my mom and told her the news.  Thank goodness it was spring break.  I didn't have to go anywhere or see anyone.  We picked up our kids and told them unfortunately we didn't see a baby.  They didn't seem to traumatized or worried which comforted me. 

Yesterday was Friday and I was to return to the Navy hospital for another blood draw.  They drew my blood.  I prayed for a miracle. 

Our miracle was not to be.  My levels dropped by 2,000.  The doctor went over my options to deal with this.  I asked about another ultrasound and he did a quick one to show me.  Still nothing there.  The yolk sac indicated our baby stopped growing at 7 weeks and 4 days, and that my body had already started to reabsorb it.  I chose to go home and let nature take its course.  I'm still waiting for that to happen.  If it doesn't happen by Monday I will ask to schedule a surgery for the doctor to take care of it. 

At this point, even though I've accepted it, I am still very sad.  It brings me many emotions.  I feel angry, incapable, guilty.  I feel like maybe we didn't want it bad enough.  I know these feelings are illogical but emotions sometimes don't subscribe to logic. 

So now, I wait, scared by what might happen today or tomorrow.  My heart is broken but I will never forget my little baby who only lived inside me for such a short time.  I really hope that I get to see it  someday in Heaven. 

We will be okay though.  We will move forward in strength.  We will heal from this, but we will never forget it.  I don't know if another baby will ever join our family, because it was so unexpected in the first place.  But still above everything else, God is good and present and with us always.