Friday, January 13, 2017

Still trying to break through

This has been such a hard year in so many ways and I really hope 2017 has good things to offer and I find motivation somewhere, somehow.

My days have been so unproductive, and I've been lacking motivation on all fronts.  I don't want to clean, I don't want to entertain a 2-year old, I don't feel like working out and eating healthy, I don't even want to do my schoolwork.  For all purposes, I can label this a functioning depression.  I do the bare minimum to get by.

Today I start a weight-loss challenge with my siblings and I really hope this will help motivate me to get my health back on track.

I really feel like a big part of this is due to Ahron's current schedule.  Nothing is stable.  He's getting ready to go out again and I find myself trying to emotionally separate in order to preserve myself and build a wall to guard my heart.  The military life is so hard!  We are leaning toward getting out at 20 at this point.  I'm not sure if we would be able to handle another deployment.

I've also been thinking a lot about the fact that we are up for orders in the fall.  It seems like we just got orders to the Nimitz and now here we are again, facing uncertainty about our future.  The only option I have is to let go and let God take control over this.