When your spouse deploys

One of the hardest thing about a spouse deploying is that not only do you lose your physical connection and all of the wonder and intimacy that comes with having a life partner, but you also lose your emotional connection.

I don't know about others but I'm a very internal person, full of thoughts daily and I miss having Ahron here to share them with.  No matter how asinine or creative, he is there to hear my thoughts and listen to me.  "Hey what if we had this at our pizza place?  You know what song is in my head right now?  I had this weird dream this morning..."

I find myself already longing for those fun conversations, and also the deep conversations, even it just amounts to sleepily saying "I love you," as we fall asleep.

All this to say, I feel incredibly vulnerable because I need someone to have these conversations with, especially after 16 years of marriage.  This is our last deployment, it has to be because I can't lose that anymore.  I know the drill, and with reintegration we will get our connection back but a smidge part of me worries about growing too much separately or just growing apart.

Last week the ship was inport and we were able to Skype twice.  I felt surprised by the rebounding energy our Skype call gave me and it gave me hope and for a quick moment, it gave me my best friend back.  

Deployment 2017

Here we are, fresh at the beginning of our 2017 deployment.  Not going to lie, it's been a long, tiring day. 
We were up at 4:30am to drop Ahron off.  I was surprised by 5am it was already light out.  Yay for impending summer. 
We drove to the base and I chatted about something philosophical I don't recall. Eloise cried.  I think she was pretty tired but she knew what was going on. 
I've been okay since.  I've been teary on and off but I think emotionally I'm in a good enough place.  And I feel strong.  I'm ready to start a new routine. 
Deployment 2017 has officially begun! 

Reflection

The last few weeks have been difficult but I've also been reflecting a lot and I feel that working through those feelings has helped me in some regard.
This was supposed to be a quick underway, but it feels so long.  I don't know if that's because of the winter, dark mornings and nights, lack of sunlight, snowstorm in which we lost power for two days, incessant rain and wind that followed or what.
I just know that every time Ahron leaves, I go into flight or fight mode.  And most of the time I've been flying...avoiding is the easy choice because I don't have to go into that stressful state.  Whether it's parenting, schoolwork, seeing friends, exercise, I've just lost so much motivation.  But the only thing that is going to control my stress levels is exercise.  Exercise is something I typically enjoy but even my depression has taken that away and I'm fighting to keep it at the forefront.  I also feel really discouraged by last year's weight gain.  I have decided that it is a good time in my life to seek therapy or a counselor.  I believe this is the first step in being proactive in taking care of my mental health.  It remains to be seen whether I will start meds or not but I have to do this in order to be a whole, healthy person.  So for right now, it's nice to have hope again.  I simply can't rely on my husband anymore to be whole and happy.  I have to accept that he will not be home for the majority of the year.
All that being said, yesterday I felt like a really bad mom.  Elaine put off her science fair and so I spent the majority of the day/evening helping her piece it together.  This was a big lesson in time management for her (nevermind the whole being annoyed!)  At 8:15 pm, Miles started crying because he wanted to participate in the science fair too.  Now every year we say we are going to do it, but he never brings home the stinking paperwork!  And I wasn't organized so we both dropped the ball on it.  He felt very left out and I felt bad.  He was disappointed and I can't always prevent that.  Maybe experiencing disappointment is a good thing.  We just can't make our children happy all of the time.  Still, after they all went to bed and the house was quiet I just lost it and cried and cried myself to asleep.
Today has been a much better day and I did remind him that I spend plenty of time doing puzzles with just him.
I keep moving forward.  

Still trying to break through

This has been such a hard year in so many ways and I really hope 2017 has good things to offer and I find motivation somewhere, somehow.

My days have been so unproductive, and I've been lacking motivation on all fronts.  I don't want to clean, I don't want to entertain a 2-year old, I don't feel like working out and eating healthy, I don't even want to do my schoolwork.  For all purposes, I can label this a functioning depression.  I do the bare minimum to get by.

Today I start a weight-loss challenge with my siblings and I really hope this will help motivate me to get my health back on track.

I really feel like a big part of this is due to Ahron's current schedule.  Nothing is stable.  He's getting ready to go out again and I find myself trying to emotionally separate in order to preserve myself and build a wall to guard my heart.  The military life is so hard!  We are leaning toward getting out at 20 at this point.  I'm not sure if we would be able to handle another deployment.

I've also been thinking a lot about the fact that we are up for orders in the fall.  It seems like we just got orders to the Nimitz and now here we are again, facing uncertainty about our future.  The only option I have is to let go and let God take control over this.