Sharing With You

A touching story about Anthony Acevedo and his journey as a POW in 1945. 

Into the Ocean

Where is the coastguard
I keep looking each direction
For a spotlight, give me something
I need something for protection
Maybe flotsam junk will do just fine
The jetsam sunk, I'm left behind
I'm treading for my life believe me
(How can I keep up this breathing)
Not knowing how to think
I scream aloud, begin to sink
My legs and arms are broken down
With envy for the solid ground
I'm reaching for the life within me
How can one man stop his ending
I thought of just your face
Relaxed, and floated into space


I want to swim away but don't know how
Sometimes it feels just like I'm falling in the ocean
Let the waves up take me down
Let the hurricane set in motion, yeah
Let the rain of what I feel right now, come down
Let the rain come down

Blue October, "Into The Ocean"

These are part of the lyrics to one of my favorite "deployment songs," as I like to categorize them.  These are songs that I choose that I can relate to during the daily grind, and the quiet nights. 

I've found music to be extremely motivating as we drag through this deployment, in the same way it was in 2002, when we were separated during our first year of marriage.

This past weekend I traveled with the kids down to my hometown.  It was awesome to be with family.  The weekend went much too fast. The children played with their Papa's 15 puppies!  We chose pumpkins and enjoyed some great Mexican food.  I felt overwhelmed when I came home for some reason.  But I got a chance to introduce myself to my new neighbor across the street, who is pregnant, with a 7-month old baby and two dogs.  Her husband will be moving up here in a couple months but for now she's on her own.  I wanted to reach out to her to let her know that she's not alone!  You can be lonely but not alone. 

I'm feeling grateful for many things lately.  One of the best parts about deployments is on the horizon.  That is...wait for it...the extra money!  It helps, it really does.  A little retail therapy is always a good thing.  I bought myself two new pairs of boots recently and it was a great feeling to have something pretty and new for myself. 

This week we don't have that much going on.   My big girl Kindergartner is out of school for conferences and today is the first day it hasn't rained in a couple of days.  We're all excited for Halloween on Sunday and tomorrow we're attending our local YMCA's harvest party.  This is a fun time of year for us.  Just need to keep our heads up.

Missing him at the most random of times

I'm missing my husband today.  The emotions caught me in between a cat nap and cleaning out my car.  It doesn't take much to make me well up.  A song, a memory. 

I'm beginning to realize how convenient it is for me when he's here.  Because then I don't have to let others in.  I don't have to to open my heart to deep personal, friendships and relationships.  I don't have to ask for help.  I am comfortable in that space.  Stepping out of it makes me scared, it makes me fidget like I'm dressed up for a night out and not in jeans and flats. 

Six weeks into it and I finally had to ask for help and I hated that.  I hate that I can't do it alone.  But I do appreciate everyone who's stepped up to be there for me.  It's just me being stubborn.

I am learning a lot about myself. 

Defining Deployment

Deployment is...

Eating lunch standing up, next to the kitchen counter.  Thinking about the next thing I have to do. 

Dreams

Over the last two nights I've been having really strange dreams about my husband.

Once upon a time, I used to put a lot of stock into what my dreams meant.  I would scour the dream dictionaries on the 'net, looking for answers, not realizing it was probably because I ate one too many hot Cheetos too close to bedtime.

Now I take a more realistic approach when I have strange dreams.  I've often had this recurring dream when my husband is away.  I dream that we've broken up, and that I'm going around to all of my ex-boyfriends trying to figure out if we're supposed to be together. 

I always feel immense sadness that Ahron and I are no longer together and I feel confused and lost.  I feel like the little bird in Are You My Mother?
The strangest part of all is, I never know what Ahron and I are status-wise.  It feels like marriage, but in the dream we are only dating or engaged. 

When I wake up, I'm always so relieved that it's a dream.  I've shared this with Ahron before and he never fails to remind me how important our marriage is to him, and that he would never do anything to jeopardize that.  Even though it's just a silly dream I appreciate him taking the time to make me feel secure in our marriage, no matter how far apart we might be. 

Crazy as it seems, I've also woken up from a bad dream about him, and I feel anger toward him, even though he hasn't done anything to me.  I guess the distance can be a good thing in those cases.  Overall, I know the dreams are just an outlet for the feelings of loneliness and resentment I experience through the deployment. 

I know that in the end, in reality, he'll come back to me.  That's sweeter then any bad dream I might have. 

Counting Up

So this is a project I've been wanting to do for a while since the deployment started. 

In 2008, we counted up the deployment (as opposed to counting down) with little paper hearts we taped in the hallway.  This was much to the chagrin of my landlord who was trying to sell the house we were living in at the time.  Counting up seems like a better deal then counting down for two reasons.

1) I like the idea of just taking it seven days at a time.  Each week is an accomplishment for all five of us.

2)Deployments aren't set schedules, and if for some reason it does get extended, we can add on more weeks as the time goes on.



This time around, I purchased some little foam cards from the Dollar Store, each just a little larger then the size of an index card, and printed out a little sailboat from a clip-art program.  Each week we complete during deployment, we move the ship over to that card.  Since I've been slacking with this project, we started out on week 5.  I have to say, it looks a little daunting being at the beginning, but I look forward to seeing that ship move forward!

In other news, we had a fantastic weekend.  My mom, sister and nephew drove up and the grown-ups shared lots of wine, good food and laughter, while the kids shared playtime with their cousin.   I'm so blessed to have family within driving distance!  I couldn't do this otherwise. 

My wonderful husband spent the last few days in Malaysia and it was nice for a chance for him to get some liberty after quite a few days at sea.  The highlight of his trip was having a foot massage in which he dunked his feet into a fish tank, and the fish proceeded to eat off all of the dead skin.  It sounds pretty gnarly, but when you wear those steel-toed boots every day for hours and hours, I'm sure it was Heaven for him.  Somewhere a PETA member is covering his ears and going, "La la la la la." 

Sharing With You: Lucky Me by Helene Cronin

Not too many things can move me to tears about 1)Having served in the military and 2)Being married to someone who is serving. I try my hardest not to differentiate myself from other civilian families but then I hear a song like this and I'm reminded of what we do differently.

My favorite line in this song is, "Lucky me, that's right, freedom comes at a heavy price." For all the thousands of lives lost in this war, so much has also been lost. Marriages have fallen apart, veterans have lost their sense of normalcy and children have lost their security of having their parents around into old age. I hope, when this war is finally over our government will secure the best of the best veteran's benefits for our soldiers, sailors and airmen who have served their country.

Spiders

These friendly little guys start popping up everywhere in the fall. We usually have three or four on the porch at any given time, despite the fact that I knock down the webs a couple of times per week.

Sharing With You

Date Night

This blog title has two meanings. Last night, I watched the movie Date Night with Steve Carrell, and Tina Fey. I've been wanting to see this movie for awhile. I wanted to see it with Ahron when it came out in the theaters but life always gets in the way somehow and we missed it. I love Steve Carrell and I can honestly say, it's the hardest I'd laughed since he left almost one month ago.

Also, tonight is military date night at our local YMCA! I am dropping my children off so I can go down the street to get a haircut. Should be a great day.

I wrote in an email to my husband yesterday, "As our anniversary nears I can't help but feel a little bit of sadness that we're apart." Tuesday, October 5th will be eight years since our wedding day. Our wedding day was a happy, wonderful, perfect fall day in Yakima. I'm so grateful that I met him and despite the hardships of the life we live, we are indeed very blessed.

I'm working on a new project for our children and I'll post pictures of what it is in a couple of days.