Birthday # 30!!

I can't believe in just over one month I'll be turning 30!  I've seen a lot of my friends on Facebook mourn their 30th birthday and that makes me sad.  This is a time on life where you become sure about who you are and where your place in this world is.  30 is going to be a time for me to make a difference! 

On that note, I've started a campaign to raise money for the International Justice Mission.  Here is my campaign link!

http://ijmfreedommaker.org/account/508/Jamie-Arendes

Also, I'll be participating in The Birthday Project!  Here is a link to what that's all about!
http://www.thebdayproject.com/


Life is beautiful people, let's celebrate it with compassion and kindness.  30, can't wait to rise up and meet you!

Coming up for air

Wow, I can't believe it's been a month and a half since I last wrote here!  Ahron came home March 1st, he had a week off in which we all got sick.  Not the dream family time I'd imagined it was going to be but c'est la vie. 

He then began his shore duty assignment which took some adjusting to, as starting any new job would.  New places, new faces for him.  New workload. 

As for myself I've been busy with spring activities and conferences, getting my landscaping plans in order and trying to keep up a very full house between all of the cleaning and cooking and mothering.  Being a stay at home parent is no joke!  I'd probably get a lot more accomplished if I wasn't on Facebook and Pinterest half of the time. 

I've also noticed I need to stop eating so much crap junk food and start working out more.  Having Ahron home means we go out to eat more.  So I've made a commitment to cut out fast food, soda and candy for the time being until I can get on a better work out schedule. 

The weather here so far has completely been awful this spring but I'll take what little sunshine we can get and use it wisely.   All in all, I'm feeling really blessed and starting to breathe a bit more.  Having my best friend at my side, well, we are definitely stronger together. 

This weekend we'll be spending Easter at home in Yakima and I'm looking forward to it!

House By the Side of the Road

Heard this on Celebrity Ghost Stories once and it's a moving poem by Sam Walter Foss.  Related to my thoughts today:

THERE are hermit souls that live withdrawn

In the place of their self-content;

There are souls like stars, that dwell apart,

In a fellowless firmament;

There are pioneer souls that blaze the paths

Where highways never ran-

But let me live by the side of the road

And be a friend to man.

Let me live in a house by the side of the road

Where the race of men go by-

The men who are good and the men who are bad,

As good and as bad as I.

I would not sit in the scorner's seat

Nor hurl the cynic's ban-

Let me live in a house by the side of the road

And be a friend to man.

I see from my house by the side of the road

By the side of the highway of life,

The men who press with the ardor of hope,

The men who are faint with the strife,

But I turn not away from their smiles and tears,

Both parts of an infinite plan-

Let me live in a house by the side of the road

And be a friend to man.

I know there are brook-gladdened meadows ahead,

And mountains of wearisome height;

That the road passes on through the long afternoon

And stretches away to the night.

And still I rejoice when the travelers rejoice

And weep with the strangers that moan,

Nor live in my house by the side of the road

Like a man who dwells alone.

Let me live in my house by the side of the road,

Where the race of men go by-

They are good, they are bad, they are weak, they are strong,

Wise, foolish - so am I.

Then why should I sit in the scorner's seat,

Or hurl the cynic's ban?

Let me live in my house by the side of the road

And be a friend to man.

Sam Walter Foss

February

Over half way done now and exactly two weeks until I'm reunited with my sweetheart.  The awful, but typical winter weather has been contributing to my sadness and isolation but now I can see the light at the end of this long, strange journey we've been on for the last four years. 

The USS Deployed will be pulling into port for an extended maintenance period where we get to work on marriage, build our family life and repair what has been broken.

The last two months have been an emotional release for me.  No longer can I contain feelings which have been bottled up, bobbing along stormy seas for the last few years.  It's all coming to a crest and I think that's why this final separation has been so incredibly difficult for me.

Yesterday I just needed encouragement.  I needed to be acknowledged somehow.  As I've said before in this online journal, encouragement can come in very strange places.  After some time in prayer, I logged onto the Virginian Pilot and revisited a columnist by the name of Jacey Eckhart.  She is a great voice for mil spouses. 

I came across this column:
http://hamptonroads.com/2010/06/military-spouses-deserve-recognition-elicits-pride-instead-groans

As usual, she hit it spot on.  She cleared away the foggy isolation window and gave me a moment of clarity.  In that moment, I acknowledged that our life is not normal.  And that it's hard.  It's really hard sometimes and it's okay to admit that.  It's okay to need help and encouragement.   While some people consider it weak to seek help through whatever sustains them be it faith or family, I see it as incredibly courageous, and I feel sorry for that person's misguided thinking.  Of course we know that we can find unbelievable strength deep within ourselves, but remember that movie About a Boy?  Remember that quote from the movie, "no man is an island." 

I just looked it up and it's a part of a passage by John Donne.

No man is an island,
Entire of itself.
Each is a piece of the continent,
A part of the main.
If a clod be washed away by the sea,
Europe is the less.
As well as if a promontory were.
As well as if a manor of thine own
Or of thine friend's were.
Each man's death diminishes me,
For I am involved in mankind.
Therefore, send not to know
For whom the bell tolls,
It tolls for thee.  

I guess what I just want to put out there today... is to think about this from two perspectives.  If you are hurting, or going through something, don't be afraid to ask for help.  Remember help can come in many different forms and places.  And if you see a friend or family member, or an acquaintance struggling through a life issue, be there for them!  Treat them to coffee, have a conversation with them, recommend a book that got you through a hard time.  Just don't sit back and let them struggle.  Be part of something bigger than yourself.  In the end, we'll all be better people for it. 

So...

I'm trying to find my way out this January funk I've been in.  I've still been quite weepy and emotional the past few weeks but at least, at least we are nearly halfway done with the final separation. 

And, on a good note, my mom is coming on Thursday to come hang out with me for the whole weekend, yay!  I haven't seen her since Christmas so I'm looking forward to some mother/daughter time. 

Last night I took my kiddos to see Chipwrecked on base.  I've never been to the base theater (well, except for last Saturday when we showed up an hour and a half early for Happy Feet 2).  The movie was eh....okay.  I liked the first two better.  I love Jason Lee who plays Dave Seville though.  I'm glad he stuck it out for the third installment. 

Earlier in the day, I watched an incredible movie which might have been my favorite movie of the last year.  It was called "Midnight in Paris" and it stars Owen Wilson and Rachel McAdams. 

In the movie, Wilson plays Gil Pender, a popular screenwriter engaged to McAdams character.  They are vacationing in France when Gil starts lamenting about the current time frame he lives in.  Then one night, he decides to walk home and at midnight he is transported back into the 1920's in Paris where he rubs elbows with Gertrude Stein, T.S. Eliot, Salvador Dali, Ernest Hemingway, Picasso, Cole Porter, Zelda and Scott Fitzgerald.  Truly some of the greatest artists/writers/musicians of our time!

 I loved the movie for two reasons.  One, I can certainly empathize with Gil Pender's character and wanting to live in a different time, or feeling like you weren't born in the right time.  Two, I love that he has to confront his reality and change his situation proactively instead of just sitting on the sidelines of his life.  I was inspired by this.  It made me think a lot about my life and where it's been lately. 

Anyway, that's my latest update.  Working on it, working through it!

God

I'm so glad I have a relationship with God.  This is not a religious rant.  It's not me up on my soapbox or any kind of better than thou post. 

But I am so lonely through so many of these separations.  Yet I'm not alone because my Creator is with me.  I speak to him freely, I release my emotions to Him often.  When I do not the emotions become a burden and I don't want that for me or my precious children.  Life is already hard enough to bear the burden of overwhelming emotions too. 

No life, no marriage, is easy or perfect.  I'm grateful and thankful for what I do have.  And I can't wait to feel the sun on my face again. 

Sometimes

Sometimes the blessings in my life overwhelm me, inspire me and keep me moving forward.

39 more days

Mean Mommy

I hate having to wear my mean mommy hat but we're dealing with hitting at the moment.  I had to take away all of Miles' bowling pins, his beloved new Christmas toy and he's been crying for his bowling sets but hitting in our house is just plain unacceptable. 

We also ordered a book on Amazon.com called Hands are Not for Hitting.  I figure if I read it to every night for a couple of weeks it will hopefully drive home the point.  I'm not sure if he's picking it up at school or it's just one of those random phases.  Sure does test my patience though. 

On the flip side, hands are fun for shadow puppets.  And I promised Lainie I would learn some new ones for bedtime :)  Maybe this link will be helpful for us
http://www.apples4theteacher.com/holidays/ground-hog-day/hand-shadows/

Today

Amongst the rain and snow mix of the Northwest this morning, I am absolutely feeling the deepest aches of separation in the military. 

It isn't just the separation, but I am in such a bad place in my life, emotionally.  I feel void of a purpose and feel overwhelmed with where to start looking for one. 

Some people can throw their all into being a mother.  While that may work well for them, I haven't had a baby in almost five years and now both of mine are off to school.  On the brink of stepping into my thirties, I'm not sure I want to start all over again with the motherhood thing.  And having a third baby means committing to the full-time job of motherhood, which isn't a problem for me but Ahron has not expressed any desire to have more children so we're out of sync on that subject. 

I want to find part-time work, something that will enable me to use my skills again.  However, I'm so worried about finding the right care for both of my children.  In our uprooted household I want to keep the stress of altering their routine to a minimum.  If I don't start working, I'm looking for some volunteer opportunities.  Maybe need to visit the state Vet's home around the corner since my emails have gone unanswered. 

I know I have the power to change things, it's just easier to get lost in the loneliness and negative feelings.  I'm hoping I have the strength to change things soon because right now everything seems so bleak. 

New Year, final separation begins

Ahhh, familiar territory we are in this morning. We always have to drop Ahron off at some unGodly hour of the morning when he leaves. Of course the kids are confused and half-asleep so they cried on the way home. When we woke up this morning though, everyone was in better spirits. The house is way too quiet without Ahron and I feel slightly down though. Luckily I have a couple of projects on the horizon to keep me busy.

Ahron flies to New York City where he'll have a layover, and then he should arrive in Baltimore around 7pm EST. We found out that he'll likely be staying in the original barracks that we met and fell in love in. The Navy barracks were recently remodeled. I'm sure it will bring back many memories for him. One of the things I always loved was that it was right across the street from the chapel.

It's strange though. We started sea duty with a C-school in which he left in January 2008 and now we're starting shore duty almost three years later to the day with another C-school. I guess in a way we've come full circle. That's all for today. I'm going to spend the day taking it easy and spend time with my babies who need me.